After I published my Sunday evening rant, I realized I left out a crucial factor to my ever-increasing desire to stay at home with my children. Let me preface this with some background information about my daughter. My first born, Emerson October, was born at 38 weeks at a whopping 4 pounds 4 ounces. She spent two weeks in the NICU learning how to eat, and was then discharged with a clean bill of health. Life is peachy, right? Wrong! Over the next 3 months her health rapidly deteriorated, culminating with an admission to a children's hospital where she was diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening genetic disorder called Williams Syndrome. This disorder can affect the heart (check), the thyroid (check). It can also cause feeding issues, sleep issues, developmental delays (check, check, check). All of this aside, my daughter is the brightest light in the world. She is the happiest child and knows no stranger. She goes through every day with a song in her heart, and usually ends up singing it at the top of her lungs while she dances too. But as a baby, because her heart was in such terrible shape, we were told by her doctors that her heart couldn't handle crying for any amount of time. So she made a peep, and I came a-running. You can imagine how this affected her sleep, or lack there of I should say.
Fast forward 4 years later, after a handful of surgeries and procedures, she is finally doing well. She still has feeding issues which we are addressing, and is followed by multiple doctors twice a year. But one thing that we can't quite get in check is her sleeping habits. She takes melatonin nightly and falls asleep by 8pm. But by 2-3am, she is up and at it again. She doesn't do this every single night, but I would say 70% of the time she is up at least once a night for whatever reason. This has only become more complicated recently as she is potty-training. Now she wakes up multiple times a night, screaming to use the potty. As I am lurched out of my comfy bed, I race to her as quickly as I can, to try and keep her from waking up our 8 month old son. Usually this is pointless because he wakes up anyway. So at that point, since my husband works nights, I am forced to juggle the two children until I can get them back to sleep. This process usually takes an hour or so, and even then, some nights I am forced to turn on Emerson's TV and shut her in her room so I can attempt to get some sleep. Now I am wide awake at 4am, and angry as heck because I have to get up and get ready for work in two hours. I lie in bed, tossing and turning, until the clock strikes 5am, and then I finally drift off, only to be ripped from my slumber an hour later to start the day.
I realize that my not working doesn't equal happily sleeping children, but it might equal a more rested mommy. It's very difficult to go day after day after day on no amount of solid sleep. I know that all mothers struggle with this and as the children get older it will get better. But that thought doesn't comfort me right here, right now. Right now, I'm tired and irritable. My poor co-workers never know what kind of mood I am going to be in when I come in the door and I never know what is going to set me off. Even my husband feels like he has to walk on eggshells sometimes, and I hate that for him. By the end of the day, I am completely drained and exhausted and it takes all I have in me to drag myself through the evening routine of dinners and bath time. Forget about the stuff I want to do like workout or clean. As soon as the kiddos are in bed, I drag myself off the couch and attempt to catch some shut-eye before the vicious cycle starts again.
My kids deserve more from me than this. They deserve a mommy who wants to play games and watch cartoons, not one who is counting the minutes to bedtime every single day. I love my babies more than anything in the world and the amount of guilt I feel for feeling this way is immeasurable, but this mommy is beat! I am constantly trying to convince my husband that since I can't quit my job, then the answer is for him to get a 1st shift job. As appealing as this idea might be to him, truth be told, he's not going to find another job making what he makes. Now, I'm not the only one who suffers lack of sleep in this equation. Brandon has to flip-flop he sleeping habits several times a week to accommodate my work schedule. All in all, it's rough for everyone, except the kids...the seem to function just fine :)
For now all we can do is keep on keepin-on and be thankful for the good moments we have (and the rare nights when everyone actually does sleep). I hate to complain; I have a husband who adores me, 3 beautiful children who are my heart and soul. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and more love in my life that I could ever wish for. I guess sometimes ya just need to vent!
