Monday Morning Blues

As my weekend is nearing an end, I'm preparing myself for my weekly Monday morning ritual.  After hitting the snooze button at least twice, I will undoubtedly run around the house like crazy, trying to ready myself for work, while also packing the children's things so I can drop them off at my mother-in-law's house, which is conveniently located two houses down from mine.  I will then climb into my new minivan, which I'm still uncertain of (Yes, I realize that I am a mother...no, I am not ashamed of my children...I just don't like minivans), and pout the whole way to work, partly because I didn't leave early enough to get Starbucks, but mostly because this is only the start to the workweek and I will be without my children for the better part of the next 5 days.

So here lies my biggest momma conflict: to stay home or to work???  Now, I would love to quit my job and stay home with my children.  I imagine I would spend all day crafting and trying out fabulous new recipes, all while taking amazing pictures of my children while they play with the edible playdough I've just made them.  This all sounds wonderful in theory, and I'm sure would be equally as wonderful if it were a reality.  But unfortunately that just isn't possible.  My family, not unlike many families, requires two incomes.  I often think about all the things my family would have to give up for me to stay home.  We would have to get rid of conveniences like satellite TV, personal money that my husband and I budget for ourselves, not to mention our monthly date night.  I know this should seem like a no-brainer: work and extras or be the one who gets to raise my kids?  It just isn't that simple.

I have tried to stay home in the past.  I stayed home with my daughter, now 4, until she was 10 months old.  I tried to stay home again when she was 3, but get restless very quickly.  I found myself losing my self-worth and identity.  I felt like my only role was the role of mommy.  That is an amazing role to play, but I've found that for me, I need to have a good balance between mommy and everything else.  I feel better about myself as a person when I am working, but what is the cost?  I'm missing valuable moments with my kids.  They get bigger every single day and I miss the most important moments in their lives.  I've missed all my son's firsts.  I was working when he rolled over for the first time, when he sat up for the first time, when he crawled for the first time.  I will never get those moments back.

I certainly won't come to a resolution tonight, but will continue this inner-struggle about what is best for me and my family.  For now, I can be thankful that I have family close by that is able to watch my kids while I work so that I don't have to drop them at daycare.  I have a husband who picks up all the mommy-slack while I'm at work and he is home with the kids.  I have beautiful children and am very lucky.  But tomorrow, I will still have the blues...